Perhaps just as many as usual, but so more apparent now. I pondered writing out my reflections on 2020 and considered many routes. Lists of my favorite new hobbies brought on by quarantine, touching sentiments about what I learned this year, how I kept myself safe, the new habits I adopted and allowed to bend every now and then, or even my experience as a self-employed person during economic crisis. However, most of the thought holes I’ve fallen into while processing events throughout the year have led me to notice a pattern.

In a year of pivots and growth, there was a steady theme of polarization. People are moving away from the middle of the line in a large widespread fashion, distancing themselves from opposing ideas. With every headline comes a new stance to take. I feel like I’ve absorbed more information this year than in the last decade, and five times as many opinions. So often I wondered why people just couldn’t listen to each other..

In some instances, polarization is good. It causes the middle to shift, offering more support to those who stand firmly against or in support of something. In June we saw more people and businesses than ever acknowledge the problem of racism and stand against it. With more support, more progress can be made. It’s alarming how many people still won’t acknowledge this, but at least there has been growth. You shouldn’t be neutral about racism. You shouldn’t be neutral about COVID-19. You shouldn’t be neutral about climate change. To be apathetic towards any of these crises is a gross privilege that keeps you locked in a bubble of your own doing. 2020 has caused an awakening of thought, a questioning of power, and an awareness of the global ecosystem. So many countries faced major catastrophes on top of the pandemic. There was an explosion in Beirut brought on by a negligent government, climate-related extreme weather events have broken all records in 2020, locusts plagued dozens of countries in Africa and crippled agriculture, Australian bushfires devastated over 31.1 million acres, and 4.2 million acres burned across the western US. The only thing humanity has in common anymore is that we’ve all been traumatized.

That sounds pretty heavy. Let me explain. I’ve been exposed to a lot of trauma this year, and not necessarily my own. I’ve wondered if I’ve caused trauma to others. I’ve wondered how people cope, and tried to understand my own coping processes. I’ve learned that trauma is highly nuanced and there are countless different kinds of it. I learned about agency and why this affects our capacity to respond as individuals. There will be a lot of lasting damage from everything that’s happened, both tangible and intangible. Too many people have suffered, and continue to suffer from grief, anxiety, depression, despair, stress, sickness, and fear. If your year was like mine, it was full of highs and lows. There were silver linings. But not enough to outweigh the awful realities we faced as a society, and more prominently, how humanity responded to these realities.

Take a moment to reflect on the most impactful things you were exposed to this year. Turn to the real conversations you had with people. Not comment sections, not Twitter threads, not news broadcasts, but actual conversations that were one-on-one or in small groups. How did those make you feel? For me it was those kinds of conversations that were most productive and healing, and the comment sections that were not.

Before this year I was not someone who was interested in taking sides. I value a well rounded perspective, I genuinely love learning from people and my curiosity prevented me from finding no value in someone else’s opinions. But now I have become less tolerant of other perspectives. Some things just shouldn’t be negotiated. If you don’t think Black Lives Matter, ask yourself why. If you don’t think you should still wear a mask in public or get vaccinated, ask yourself why. If you don’t think that childcare, healthcare and education should be accessible and equal to all, ask yourself why. If you don’t think climate change is a global crisis, ask yourself why.

Before this year I was not someone who was interested in the news. I avoided it for the most part, getting filled in by my partner when something was worth discussing. Not anymore. I read news emails every morning. I put effort towards researching and developing my opinions on things I don’t understand. I discuss current events with friends and family. We learn from each other. Journalism has increased my awareness tenfold, but it also has morphed into an algorithm, and it’s part of what has caused such so much peer pressure to choose a side.

If you’re undecided or against any of the few things I’ve mentioned, it’s not necessarily your fault. You may be one of millions of people who struggle with discerning the truth from the media, or you may just be stuck in an algorithmic environment that prevents you from learning about other perspectives (go watch the Social Dilemma). Here’s a pro tip; you won’t find the unbiased truth in the news. You’ll begin to find it by connecting with and being open towards other humans. By being willing to learn about their trauma. By listening to someone without an agenda. It's time to un-socially distance your mind. If you trust the news more than other people, ask yourself why.

Social media and mainstream news has become so saturated with inaccuracies that it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s exaggerated. Misinformation has leeched into so many aspects of society. Its shaped so much behavior and caused so much division and hostility. There has been little peace this year, and it’s because too many people have been neutral for too long. 2020 was the year progress was demanded, because it hadn’t been a priority beforehand.

We can thank the lockdowns for making us look inward, for letting us catch our breath, and for giving us time for self care. We can thank the loud voices who stood up for change, who were met with tear gas, for not giving up and for leading the fight against racism. We can thank the healthcare workers for keeping people alive and also bearing so much of the burden that comes with a pandemic. But the work is not done, it’s only the beginning. The more we collectively care, the more action we take, the more progress will be made. If you swung towards the side of not caring while others became louder, ask yourself why.

I think that being neutral is a way of the past. If you don’t have enough information to form an opinion, it’s your responsibility to ask for help. If you feel overwhelmed and scared, you’re not alone. If you’ve made excuses as to why it’s not your problem, you’re part of the problem. The point of all this is that you’re not stuck where you are, you’re allowed to grow, and you’re allowed to change. Change is inevitable. We can’t predict when the tipping points will come but they always will.

I’ll try to sum up this ramble with a few key points:

• listening to your own trauma helps you listen to the trauma of others
• embracing change is easier than fighting it
• the world is flawed, but you can choose to challenge it
• people are not your enemy, misinformation is 

I guess this did turn into a “what I learned in 2020” reflection after all. Traditionally on New Years Eve I dedicate my energy towards helping others and celebrating what the future holds. I hope this sentiment carried on my tradition and can help you reflect on the year you had, and the year humanity had. Don’t lose what you learned this year. Don’t let the polarization effect isolate you from reality. Be aware of those who don’t side with you and don’t shame them for the path they are on. Shame only furthers their trauma, and yours. The only way to heal is to listen. 

Happy New Year! And thank you for listening ❤️
​

Going to therapy was a major turning point in my life. In late 2015 was still in the wake of a major breakup that came as I was starting my career in marketing. I didn’t know my worth, what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to impact.. I had no direction at all. I had just turned 23 and was fresh out of college. I was working my first real job 8am-5pm, Monday through Friday, earning a great salary and living with my parents. I didn’t have a fraction of the responsibilities I’m accustomed to now, and I had a good social life and started diving deep into the local music scene. On the outside, I was doing all of the things you're supposed to do as a young adult. But inside, I felt like I was drowning. I wasn’t truly happy, even though life wasn’t bad. It was one of the most confusing feelings ever, and finally after letting myself suffer for months I sought out a therapist to just talk about what was crowding up my head so much.

The first session we had, I must have cried the entire time. He asked how life was going and I couldn’t explain anything without sobbing. But it felt good to just talk about it, and dump out all of the heavy emotional baggage I had been carrying around. I talked about my self destructive habits, about how I wanted to quit smoking cigarettes but couldn’t, about how amazing my family is and how I just wanted to feel like I fit in somewhere in life.

Most of my life I’ve felt like a loner. I could get along with anybody, but I didn’t feel like I had anyone outside of my family who really understood me. I’ve always been introspective, even since I was little, but somewhere down the line all of my me-time became sad and lonely. I compared my path to others, I acted against my true self to try and fit in places I didn’t. And it started to make me feel like I had lost who I was.

Therapy helped me sort out what was authentic and what wasn’t. I learned how to return to being the most genuine version of myself I could be. The version I knew I could be - not the one who was hurting herself and holding herself back by not taking care of herself. I had to realize my own value and respect myself above everything. I set boundaries, I set goals, I became inspired to help people.

I went to therapy for about three months in early 2016. Not long after that I went from being employed full-time in an uninspiring job that left me with little personal time, to becoming self-employed and financially unstable (at first) yet emotionally happy. I moved into my first house with some beautiful friends and while it wasn’t easy, I was thriving. I kind of flipped from where I started, I was truly happy although life was overwhelmingly stressful. But my sense of self empowerment grew and I learned how to be more responsible and earn every dollar I needed. I was feeling like my life was great on my own, I had a sense of being a part of something bigger than myself that mattered. By the beginning of 2018 I knew my path, my purpose and my worth. Not long after that, I found a life partner that loved me for who I am and only wanted to help me succeed along the path I had found. It was the biggest gift ever after trying to do everything on my own for so long.

We still have a long way to grow, but we are both happy and healthy, living together in our own house, and have two little fur balls that make us feel like the most perfect family. My lifestyle continues to improve as I make more goals for myself, like eating less processed food, and avoiding added sugar and foods that don’t make me feel like my best self. I feel more energized to keep my body healthy and strong. I feel more focused in my work and my career. I feel like I’m the person I always knew I could be, and I know it started with that crucial moment of vulnerability with my therapist three and a half years ago

There are so many things we can do every day to take care of ourselves. Drinking plenty of water, breathing and stretching our bodies, smiling, spreading kindness to others.. even reading this post is a form of self therapy if it’s inspiring you or making you think in new ways. No one can escape the need for self care. It gives yourself a fighting chance when it comes to life's struggles, and makes your victories feel that much better. Check out this inspiring video from Be Interactive about how therapy should be as normal as exercise. 

I’m so thankful for the Bassnectar Team + Community for taking care of each other, for making therapy more accessible, and for starting conversations that need to be had. And there are plenty more resources out there too - I just learned about a new project called Backline.care. It’s a free health & wellness resource for the music industry. Music is healing to so many but the lifestyle toll of traveling and touring and juggling life can be pretty damaging to artists, teams and crews. It’s amazing to see this resource emerge in an effort to combat that and provide tools for self care and places to go when it feels like it’s too much.

When it all comes down to it, you have to empower yourself to take care of yourself. You’re the only one with the power to change, and we all believe in you. 
​
​Much Love,

Atlanta has that all-inclusive, no boundaries, hustle mentality. It's the place where no one minds where you came from, as long as you know how to smile. There's no doubt this energy has been infused into every project to come out of the city. And I feel as if I were strolling down Boulevard myself when I listen to this mix of tracks - it's just pure love, real emotion and tight beats. 

Days like this make me miss ATL like crazy, but lucky for me Big Boi, Killer Mike, Scales, Ployd, and Mighty High Coup can easy the homesickness in playlist form. Excited that I'll be back this weekend for a much anticipated show at Aisle 5! And I have plenty of posts drafted about my new home in Charlotte that I need to catch you up on. Until then.. enjoy The 404!

Dear ATL,

This is a very bittersweet post to write. I’m actually tearing up as I write it, but its a mix of incredibly happy tears, tears full of some of the best memories of my life, and tears that are mourning the end of a very profound era that shaped who I am. For the last 20 years I’ve lived in the Atlanta, GA area. I learned almost everything I know here. I met all of my best friends here. I started my career and built a network here. I met the love of my life here. Although, he’s not an ATL native - he lives 4 hours away in Charlotte, NC. A city that I’ve grown a new love for as I explored bits and pieces of it during the short time we've been in this long(ish) distance relationship. And now, I am excited to share that it is my future home too! I’ve decided after a lot of deep thought, some letting go, and oodles of daydreaming that this is the move I need to make. My happiness in Georgia is dwindling and its because half of my light is two states away. I can feel as the season of Fall approaches that there are big changes ahead, and healthy ones that I am internally yearning for. I often crave a change of environment. And this change is not easy but it’s very exciting and I am also crying at the thought of waking up next to my best friend every day.

The shifting of seasons is one of my favorite experiences. Springtime is when everything becomes green and new life is all around, the world around us is shaking off the feelings of hibernation and stretching up to the endless sky. It's when all of the elements blend into synchronicity, infusing us with wild new energy and purpose. All the seeds planted long ago begin to sprout, even the ones you may have forgotten about.

At the end of March, I traveled up to Chicago for a 2-day family affair, the Bassnectar Spring Gathering. Traveling always brings me new perspective and rich experiences. But, there was a message during the show that resonated with me very deeply. It was an excerpt from the Duncan Trussell Family Hour podcast. Check it out below - it's worth every second.

This speech nails it. It's such a brilliant perspective, and the metaphor of spring perfectly reflected my soul and countless other bass heads. I get chills every time I relive that moment. But the part that left me dead in my tracks was the line that goes "you'll meet someone new, and realize that it's possible to fall in love again." It was as if everything I've been experiencing at the end of my winter was coming full circle. I recently fell for someone who's soul mirrors my own, and we traveled to work the show in Chicago together. We've both been in such disbelief at how real everything feels, and how undeniable our feelings are - even if we were both scared to explore them. But that 'glimmer of hope' was staring at us, and we knew. This is real. The birth of something incredible. And, the cherry on top of this speech was the backtracking of Bassnectar's remix of a Glitch Mob track called "Beauty of the Unhidden Heart." It was no coincidence that Brandon and I's relationship blossomed the morning their new album was announced, when we discovered we were both mega Glitch Mob fans. That level of serendipity is becoming more and more frequent ever since our souls met. I recapped more about Chicago in the Instagram below:

Back to the sprouting of seeds, I fully believe that in order for new cycles to emerge there must be some sort of maintenance beforehand. We need to declutter and let go of past habits. Resurface your neglected interests, give your hobbies a rebirth. For instance; yesterday I noticed a trail of ants in my room. At first I was annoyed and looked at it as a nuisance. And while I pretty much had to tear apart my room to get to the source, they led right to my arts and crafts box under my bed. Once I cleaned up the stickiness they had found, I realized I hadn't opened my craft box in a veryyyyy long time. So, I spent the next hour cleaning it out, inventorying my supplies, and becoming inspired by all of the things I had the tools to create. All of the seeds I needed to create new and beautiful things had been planted under my nose for months - yet the timing hadn't worked out for me to make anything of them. Well, that little seed I forgot I had planted has now sprouted out of the ground, invigorating me with the drive to create, and I'm now grateful for those ants leading me to a passion I once enjoyed but had forgotten. 

I noticed this pattern about myself and I wonder if any of you also find yourself in this situation. I tend to gather, gather, gather... research more information, collect more supplies and resources, keeping notes of random thoughts and ideas for reference, storing things for later use like a squirrel collecting food for the winter. I got a laugh out of it actually, realizing my odd behavior (it also reminded me of this great blog about Underpants Gnomes). 

But to get back to the point, now is the time to uncover your acorns. Now is when you decide which ones are worth acting on and which ones just became clutter. It's okay to let go of past ideas + projects, don't see it as a failure. Instead look at it as maximizing your energy. If you're anything like me, you have to prioritize your wild ideas and hone in on the ones that will be the most beneficial. What have you been pondering? What have you put off or felt uninspired about? Have there been signs leading you somewhere - such as the ants leading me to my passion for crafting? Remind yourself of the breadcrumbs you left in the past, of the thoughts and ideas you wanted to revisit, of the hobbies you put on the back burner. Take advantage of the longer days, and the sun's extended energy. Just MAKE something or DO something or PUBLISH something - ironically the situation also motivated me to create a blog post for the first time in 3 months. Oh how I have so many unpublished thoughts. I plan to comb through them and do a little spring cleaning of my own mind. After all, I need to make room for the new and exciting things I have ahead of me. Including a book that I have already begun writing - to be published later this year! That's the goal at least. The more people I tell, the more accountable I'll be to make it happen.

I'll leave you with this; don't hesitate. Let all of your hesitations, procrastination reflexes, and paralyzing anxiety or thoughts wash out of you. That was winter talking; spring is the time to emerge and make moves. And, if you need a soundtrack for your season, check out my RENEWAL playlist on Spotify!

​Much love and endless gratitude,